I still can't figure out how Richmond got the star of one of my favorite 90's sitcoms to put on a Gran Fondo here, but we did, and I figured someone should tell the tale. Of course, I wasn't actually a participant per se, but I was there for some (10 min.) of it and thought I'd give you a quick run down. So here goes..
As some of you may know, I work with a bit of a tight schedule on Saturday mornings. Most weekends lately, I have not been able to do the Spin Mafia ride. This is because I have to get home and get all showered and cleaned up before my wife sees me. Eleven years together and she's never seen me without make up and hair did. Pretty good record, and I'd like to keep it in tact, thank you. Plus if I don't get home in time for her to teach her class at the gym, she'll make me take my poops in the backyard again. So, naturally, I didn't have the time to do a 102 mile group ride around the streets of Richmond. Plus I'm tighter than the curls in Panella's high school afro, so I wasn't about to drop my hard-earned mani/pedi money on a bike ride around my hometown.
My plan was to leave home at 7am and ride 3 hours. Done.
I got onto Riverside Dr. sometime around 7:15am and started seeing signs for the Tour of Richmond, so I knew I might get caught by the ride at some point, especially since I'd be taking Cherokee and Old Gun, both of which were part of the Gran Fondo. Shortly thereafter, I started seeing spectators on the road (okay, more like "spectator") and volunteers directing traffic/riders. They would clap for me as I passed, and I would give them the universal director's sign for "cut" (hand swipe across the throat, but not like, "Hey I'm gonna kill you" style) trying to tell them that I wasn't part of the ride. After this occurred several more times along the way, I eventually gave into my vanity and started pandering to my people. Instead of trying to tell them, "Hey, I'm just an average dude on a bike, out for a ride. Yeah, I'm moving at an incredibly fast speed, so I can understand why you might think that I am THAT far ahead of everyone else, but I'm just being me. I am who I am," I decided I'd humor them. I started making serious faces as I rode by them and I would get low into an aero position, maybe even drape my arms across the bars like the big boys do. I'd speed up as I passed them and they'd cheer/clap/take pictures/ring cowbells/ooh/ahh/swoon/faint/scream like Chris Harvie at a Biebs concert, and then after I was out of their sight I would soft pedal back to 14mph, realize that I lack the skill and upper body strength to do the arms resting on the bars thingy, and lose control and swerve, but luckly regain control before wrecking. Rinse and repeat for each spectator. I started to believe my lie after a while though, and I actually thought I was in a solo break in a big race. I busted ass to get to the top of Old Gun before getting caught, but it was not meant to be. I saw the leaders approaching me right past the Boat Club on Old Gun, so I pulled over to save them the shame of getting blown to bits by my thunderous pedal crushing pace and I cheered for friends as they went by. The lead group was maybe 7 or 8 guys, then the 2nd group came along not quite a minute later, so I cheered for them too. I spotted Darrell, Fritz, and Harvie of the cool kids cycling club aka Spin Mafia, and a bunch of other friends as well. After they passed, there wasn't another group behind them so I got back on the road and headed up the hill behind them, just trying to stay out of everyone's way. About halfway up the hill, I realized these Nancies must have been on a Macy's run because I caught them. I rolled up behind McNelis and asked him if he planned on riding his bike today. Then I chatted with Harvie for a few minutes before we reached Robious Rd. At that point, I kept straight while they went right and the rest, as they say, is history.
Where are they now?
Darrell Marion punished everyone for 102 miles, then he went home and ate a homeless guy on a dare.
Fritz Mehler finished in the lead group as well, and was later offered the position of replacing The Most Interesting Man In The World, as well as the Men's Warehouse spokesman. He is currently weighing his options.
Chris Harvie grew and epic mustache and released a series of workout videos to compete with P90X. He called them P90XXX.
I looped around and came back up Robious Rd. and back down Old Gun and Cherokee, so I got to see all the other participants of the day. As I passed each group, I yelled, "Hey!!! Category 4 BAR Champ here!! No big deal though!!!" Then I went home, got drunk on some Dogfish Head Bitches Brew (try it!!) and started typing something that would be in permanent ink on the internet.
